I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
