Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
