I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Randomize
