Just fell off a train. Bad.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
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Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
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Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
there is glitter all over my balls
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