Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
