Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
one two three fourrrrnication!
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
