I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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