I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
