I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
