how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
