Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
