I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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