you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
