fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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