guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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