You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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