a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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