You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
