I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
