i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
and i looked up. we had an audience...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
