I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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