God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
you inspire me to be a worse person
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
