So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
