Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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