nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
