When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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