but the lizard people decide everything anyway
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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