dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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