I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
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I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
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I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize