maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
