im drinking this country out of the recession.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
