I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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