I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
