next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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