you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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