; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
you win again, gameday.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
