Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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