I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
