It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
