I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
