I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
