I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize