Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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