Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!