I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
