My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
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The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
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I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.