Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
