Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
