I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
These tits shall not be calmed
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
