I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
