i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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