you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
