just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
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Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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