Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
