I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
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I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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