I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
