Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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