Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
