DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I lost the right to judge tonight
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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