you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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