This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
