so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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