it's too hot outside to masturbate.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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