she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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