drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
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Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
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just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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