He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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